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When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
Never judge a man ’till you’ve driven a mile with his wife.
I was thinking about selling my old phone but I think it knows too much.
Why periods? Why can`t Mother Nature just text me and be like, "Whaddup Girl?, You ain`t pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to ya next month."
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
Well, it`s about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.
It feels like one of them days..... ya know? When you wanna fart and blame the other person for it!
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
thinks we should all jump out of our chairs and do the 5 second happy dance! READY! GO!
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a sexy beast.
Baking soda seems like a scam. "Be sure to keep this box of magic white powder in the back of your refrigerator."
My body needs a refresh button.
My Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.