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When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?
The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
Looking back.. I think I preferred you when I didn`t know you...
My son just accused me of making stuff up. I wouldn`t mind but I don`t even have any children!
After much thought and careful consideration, I`ve decided not to do a damn thing today.
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
Never forget that we live in a world in which it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else
I may have no one rocking my world right now, but I have no one ruining it either!
"You should`ve come with us!" well, inviting me would`ve helped..
I`m tired of hearing about Republicans this and Democrats that. For Christ`s sake people, don`t you realize on July 15th the Twinkie comes back?!?!?!?!
If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.