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There`s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the morning next to a gorgeous smiling face. So I keep a mirror next to my bed.
Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
There is a fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
At any given time, my wallet is worth more than it’s contents.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
When you can no long help someone, I can - said the coroner.
I think I have an urge to get up and clean the house. Wait...no, false alarm.
Trust me... You don`t want my undivided attention.
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.
1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don`t admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.