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I`m a spontaneous procrastinator
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
If it were easy then everyone would act like me.
why are the foods you want eat late at night in loud crackling wrappers?
It`s unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.
FYI: You have to stop Facebook posting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
Guy- What`s your sign? Me- Stop
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead. It`s pain only for others. It`s the same thing when you are stupid.
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one`s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.
"That girl is totally checking you out" said vodka. -Bfanch
Moral compass? Is there an app for that?