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I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it`s taken me so long to reply to your text..."
Definition: Brain - Your body`s hardest working organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, from birth until you...fall in love.
I`ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
I swear this is the last time I watch Groundhog Day
I`m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You`re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what`s going on here.
I show my age when I`m in a club with all the 20 somethings.. Guess its because the last dance step I mastered was dancing like Gene Gene The Dancing Machine
I bought one of the "Books for Dummies" for 50% off, but I needed help to figure out what the price was.
I am a drinker ... Hear me pour
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
Your silent treatment should be accompanied by a disappearing act.
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn`t stolen.
Better to be incredibly weird than incredibly boring.
The Spanish version of the Subway jingle “65.63 Peso 0.3 meter largo” isn’t quite as catchy…
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store