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The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Gravity is a real downer.
To drink, or not to drink?...what a stupid question!
If you can`t think of a word, say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you`re bilingual instead of an idiot.
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
my Dr. says i have ADHD, i dont know how they see.... oooooh a squirrel!
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
"I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!
I was going to do some spring cleaning, but the snow has ruined it for me.
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
My grocery cart right now says ” I’m getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!” And also. “I like fruit.”
There is nothing more terrifying than sneezing while driving.
Sorry I ordered a salad and then ate all your fries.
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"