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you know....I wasn`t planning on going for a run today....but those cops came out of nowhere
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
I`m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
My level of sarcasm has reached a dangerous level where even I don`t know if I`m kidding or not.
Good Morning: You, my friends are the reason I wake up every morning ? LOL JK, I have to pee.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I used to think I was overreacting. Now I realize it was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullsh!t.
Crazy is like diarrhea. You can only hold it in for so long.
Being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible