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Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...
Do you ever get that feeling that you are being watched? Because if it is bothering you, I can stop.
WARNING!! I have character defects and I`m not afraid to use them.
Not sure what to do with all the daylight we are saving.
It would be a lot easier to drink the recommended 64oz of water a day if it was beer.
No matter how much you push the envelope - it`ll still be stationery.
Sometime you have to hand it to short people ... because they can`t reach.
If you´re cooler than me, doesnt that make me hotter than you?
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
What am I taking to the Family Thanksgiving feast? Tupperware.
Full disclosure: All my statuses with less than 3 likes were made by my intern.
Call me old school, but I think your shorts should be longer than your private parts.
I mostly use Facebook to remember why I stopped hanging out with certain people.
A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.