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All I`m saying is if guys were meant to make them, they`d be call sandWIZARDS.
A beautiful woman could post "My dog just died" and she would get replies like "Well, I`m not dead ;)"
Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
Writing "Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???" on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during s@x.
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
is currently amending my "Who gets money" list when I win the lottery ... who has something nice to say?
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
The worst part of Aquaman`s day has to be, when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Please don`t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I`m awesome doesn`t mean I like you.
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.
This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.