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I wish some people`s cardio exercise consisted of running into traffic.
If someone doesn’t stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it’s totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.
I sometimes worries about my short attention span, ...but not for very L... hey! ... look at that squirrel!
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100`s of strangers` mouths
The only human interaction I want for the rest of the day is the exchange of money between me and the liquor store cashier
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
I`ve probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
When I was younger I thought I was bipolar. Turns out I was just an a$$hole who was happy about it.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
Last person to like this wins a prize.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
Being handed a flyer is the offline version of a pop-up ad.