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You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people so where my tolerance level is at.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?……………………. (you smart people grinned didn’t you.)
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don`t wanna have to explain why I`m in your `Random Party Pics 08` album at 4am.
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
Parallel park, like nobody’s laughing.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
I`m getting sick of these porn sites listing my videos as "amateur".
You`d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
I`m pretty sure there`s a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED...
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, The shaking icons make me feel like they`re all panicked over who`s getting deleted.