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So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
I`m running low on funny but I have plenty of sexy left.
I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
The only problem with using the treadmill is that you can`t run from your own farts.
Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...
More often than not, the excitement of a Facebook friend request dies upon discovering who it is.
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
If I treated others how I wanted to be treated, I`d be doing a ton of spontaneous sexual favors for random strangers.
Nothing tests that whole "for better or worse" thing like the question "does this look infected?"
I cannot be held responsible for what my face does when other people talk.
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
North Korea no!, really, go home! now you are really drunk!
So can we just skip to summer now?
I`m gonna name my son Wussell so people think he has a speech impediment.