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Getting out of bed was my worst mistake today.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese`s pieces
I was feeling down...then all of a sudden I felt myself up. Win, win situation! ;)
I don’t really forgive people I just pretend like it`s okay and wait for my opportunity to destroy them.
Video games are cool because they let you experience fantastical power-fantasies. for example in The SIMS you have a job and a house.
Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.
I really can’t kick ass, but I’m super good at taking names!
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024....
Make fun of George Bush all you want, but he would have found a way to bomb North Korea before they shut down Hollywood.
I don`t like country music, but I don`t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means `put down`.
Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
Wives give sound advice. 99% sound, 1% advice.
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?