Daily Silly Status

I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn`t think she knew about.

Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.

If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes

I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.

Is "drunk" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now...

I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.

ME- I love it when you lay me down like that, the way you touch my belly and put cold things on me baby DOCTOR- Miss this is a medical examination and you are making me extremely uncomfortable

I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.

It’d be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off the mask.

Lets watch a reality show about nasty rednecks acting like rednecks, but get mad when one of them says something a redneck would say

I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.

I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees

Isn`t it weird when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.

Remember when you were a kid and all you would use the computer for was paint and space pinball?

Hillary Clinton is running for president. In other news, grass is green and the sun is hot.