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I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.
Dog Found: Now we are bros, so he`s staying. Don`t call, don`t make it weird.
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
Some people, even in photos, just look like they smell horrible.
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
The "I got your nose" game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she`ll call security.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.
I`m smiling, that alone should scare you.
"I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional
When there is nothing to do ... That`s what I do