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I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
My neck, my back, my Netflix and my snacks.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion, I just have to run faster than you.
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
It takes patience to listen, it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
Single women come home, see what`s in the fridge and go to bed...while married women come home see what`s in the bed and go to the fridge.
I am there for you no matter what, anytime, day or night, unless there is something good on TV or I am eating pie
Gotta admire people who drive with one hand holding on to a mattress tied to the roof.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.
thinks that life was a lot simpler when I thought girls had cooties, and getting to the bottom of the sandbox was a good day.
I`m starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
There better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober.
We should be thanking our Dads for bringing us into the world, not our Moms. She probably wasn`t in the mood...