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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
Look, all I`m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
One of my biggest fears is that my car secretly records me singing.
I have lost my mind and I am making no effort to look for it.
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
If tit for tat doesn`t mean flashing guys with tattoos, than I`ve been doing it wrong this whole time.
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?