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Attention burglars: We may or may not be home. Or maybe we are hunters, waiting for you to get closer for a kill shot
Look at the keyboard. It has `U` and `I` together. Look underneath that. It says `JK`.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
I just ran butt a$$ naked through Walmart yelling "Stop that shoplifter! she got my clothes!"
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
Today is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day." ... I just made it up. Tell the others.
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
When I`m not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.
I`m at that "licking peanutbutter off a spoon" time to go grocery shopping point....
I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.
I`m great at balloon animals. You should see my eel, snake, and worm.
Smelling another person should be a choice.