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There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
Adulthood is mostly about being tired and wishing you hadn’t made plans.
If you like to listen to music while having sex, listen to a live album. That way you will get an applause every 3-4 minutes.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Do you ever wish you had a second chance to meet someone again for the first time?
Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I`m great at pole dancing.
You’ve never truly lived until someone has posted a sign because of something you’ve done.
The new Jungle Book movie might be confusing to today`s kids who don`t remember when we had jungles. Or books...
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
Why can’t we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn`t she?
If I had spoken to my parents the way some children do now, I would not be here to share this status.
You had me at Rice Krispies Treats