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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
People tend to get angry when you treat them the same way they treat you.
You`re never too old to learn something stupid.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I`m totally flexible
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?
Don’t compare yourself to others, that’s when you start to lose confidence in yourself.
99% of people in this world are stupid, luckily I`m in the other 2%
I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I`m afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)
You`re such a slut, the only reason why you wear panties is to keep your ankles warm.