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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
Whenever I read: "Do not exceed recommended dose" I always think, "Challenge accepted!"
Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we`re together now.
Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
The most important part of being on a gluten free diet is telling everyone about it.
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
As if " cray cray" wasn`t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to " cray"....that`s just stu stu
You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"
EVERY Friday is good in my book!
Hangovers are nature`s way of grounding you as an adult.
all joking aside, think how many babies might be created tonight on valentines day
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet