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I saw that! - Karma
DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
Dear Mom, If all my friends jumped off a cliff, it`s because it was my idea. Sincerely, Your child is a leader, not a follower.
The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, I’ve forgotten where I was going.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I`m back. Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
Coffee`s a great way to fool yourself into believing you`re going to have a productive day.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
If my house is clean, it means that Facebook is not working.
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
There are 2 kinds of people I can’t stand: Nosy people, and people who won’t tell me what in the hell is going on.
The only people without problems are in the cemetery.
In your face with a can of mace, make you cry all over the place!!
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.
Monday?! But, I wasnt even finished with Saturday yet.