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Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
I`ve been knocking for ten minutes. Don`t people answer their bathroom windows anymore?
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing aggravates them so much. But if you really want to piss them off tell them you will pray for their souls.
There are so many scams on the Internet now. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
I don`t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure
If you don`t take 500 selfies a day, do you even love yourself?
Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.
Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you
The only people without problems are in the cemetery.
If whores, witches, ghosts and hobo`s show up on my doorstep, I can only assume it`s Halloween because our family reunion was in July....