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I`ve had frozen pizza and delivery pizza in the same day, b!tch you don`t know me.
My internet goes out more than I do.
What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
Holy crap! I just realized that I´m still it from a game of tag in 1987.
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
Let`s all have a moment of silence for people who can`t have a moment of silence because they have kids.
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
No matter what`s happening there`s always part of me that would rather be taking a nap or drinking.
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
I`ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo
I´m not insensitive, I just don´t care.
Sometimes my sarcasm is so intense that even I’m not sure if I’m kidding or not.
And then God said, "Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I`ll give women the power over which to control it."