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Plan B includes margaritas.
I accidentally ran over my neighbour`s cat........... Nine times....... just in case
I`ve learned to take life as it comes...straight with no chaser.....
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What`s your point?
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight like hell when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
It takes balls to be a man.
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
I`m available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.
....so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
90% of adulthood is just deleting emails.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.