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I have decided to stop doing things "Like a Boss" and will now do things "Like a Rhinestone Cowboy."
If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
The part of “no” that I don’t understand is the part where I don’t get what I want.
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
I`m more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.
I wish "it`s the thought that counts" worked for housework.
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
Sometimes I go on Google Earth and just spin the sh!t out of the world & pretend I`m making everyone really dizzy.
buying an old Mercedes Benz so that people may think you have been rich all along
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a "gym."
If each day is a gift, I wonder where I can return monday.
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?