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So much of my day is just keeping myself distracted until it`s time to eat again.
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch.
The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
If you see anything posted from me that involves something normal or appropriate, it is not me. I believe I`ve been hacked.
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
so far so good.... no unexpected father`s day cards or presents!
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
I bet acting like azzholes on the Internet all day wasn`t where most of us visioned our lives to be right now.
If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to “Widowed”, it’s time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.
I ruined my health by drinking to everyone else’s.
Do homeless people get Knock Knock Jokes?
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I`ll take lookout.
Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.