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The only thing worse than dramatic girls facebook statuses…dramatic guys Facebook statuses.
Back in my day, we had to remember phone numbers and give people directions and don`t get me started on the dinosaurs.
I have every episode of Hoarders saved on DVD.
If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
I love this oscillating fan, 5 out of every 15 seconds.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
Success, like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.
Save water- shower with me!
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.
Ain`t no sandwich when she`s gone.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.