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My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones
Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.
If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.
Why is it called cliffhanger and not
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
What do you get when you cross a pitbull with a computer? I don`t really know but when it megabytes, it megahertz
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
I wish Monday was a figment of my imagination.
Got tasered at speed dating again.
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
That horrible moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you’re watching…
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"