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"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
My fantasy is having two women at once...One Cooking, One Cleaning.
i dont normally have a cool facebook status, but when i do, an older relative spoils it with a lame comment.
It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when I’m making a questionable decision for my life.
You call it multiple personality disorder... I call it being mayor of the little town in my head!
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Here`s an idea...Duck Dynasty Chia Pets
This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I`m not your boyfriend.
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
I`d like to thanks all the girls for wearing yoga pants. It is the only reason why we`re not complaining about how cold this winter it
I`ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.!!
Hello, fire department? Is this Mr. February? Yeah, I`m stuck in a tree. Uh, I mean... meooow.