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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
Don`t rush me. I`m waiting for the last minute.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?
The older I get the more I understand Squidward`s anger.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
I`m not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
Did the Energizer Bunny finally stop going and going, and none of us even noticed it?
Yes, Facebook says we`re `friends` but, trust me, I wouldn`t hesitate to punch you in the face.
is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf´s a minute
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.
We live in a time where "He is hot" is more important than "He is a nice guy."