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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
I don`t mind sharing the highway with other people. I just wish they`d use the part behind me.
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
You`re from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can`t decide which.
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
I love a room with a fire place it sets the tone for a romantic night, drinking wine slow dancing, burning evidence.
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that.
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
St Patricks Day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!
Things ain`t nobody got time for: That
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING
You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps