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"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" -- Girlfriends in the 17th century probably
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
Happy Hallogivemas!!!!!! It`s the time of year when the stores sell Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff all on ONE aisle!
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
Single ? I`m not single, I`m in a long standin relationship with fun and freedom ! ;)
According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low…Well, sure, it’s hard to steal a car when the owner’s living in it…
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
So far the "couch" part of couch-to-5k is easily my favorite.
NASCAR pit crews are always retiring. Let it sink in: now laugh
I don`t own a thesaurus, is `cock meat` a synonym for `fried chicken`?
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.