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Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
No body on there deathbed said I wish I had spent more time at work
You can`t make everyone happy, so today I think you should focus on me.
You learn something new everyday and if you didnt know that then you just did.
Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he`s going to the clinic for a `work related` injury.
The guest of honour was a bit subdued. The Keyboardist was playing too softly for my liking. But it was a good turnout, lots of food and laughter. But break out into one choreographed `Thriller` dance routine and the crowd goes all apesh!t and tosses you out of the funeral home.
A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they`ve all escaped!"
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
Man: "You look nice today..." Woman: "Was I ugly yesterday?"
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf´s a minute
I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would`ve been a lot more interesting.