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The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
I`m not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.
you have lips ….. i have lips …… interesting
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
When I woke up this morning everything in my house had been stolen and replaced with exact replicas... WEIRD..
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the clowns, freakshows and the bearded lady. Now... I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
Million Dollar Idea: A restaurant that offers Coke and Pepsi....
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....