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That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
The only difference between fear and adventure is how much you breathe.
Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
My car remote died. I had to insert my key into the lock like some kind of goddamn animal.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
Facebook account for sale, Friends included...
Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.
Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn´t surprising really, since it isn´t my birthday.
My grandfather once waited in line for 36 hours to get a loaf of bread and I can`t wait two seconds for a Youtube video to load.
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.
I bought a little bag of air today, and the company that made it were kind enough to put some potato chips in it.