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Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
Most problems can be solved with nudity
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
Did I ever tell you about my old girlfriend? The one with the "Lazy Eye"? I had to break up with her, she was seeing somebody on the side..........................
Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids
God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly Iām a big deal...
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.
My desire to be well informed is currently in deep conflict with my need to stay sane.