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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
My Therapist told me not to drink while I`m on my Meds but little does she know...I`ve been off my Meds for almost a week now!
I hate Cheetos stains on my peignoir.........
No one is ever bored enough to start studying.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to "what would you do if you won the lottery"
Calm down ... Take a deep breath and hold it for about 30 minutes.
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
*Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat ... not two cats in one.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he`s called "beautiful" on Facebook today.
"Truth or dare" should be renamed to "Interrogation or Humiliation"
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"
I`ll never join one of those dating sites. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. By alcohol & bad decisions.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.