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Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
Everyday I’m shoveling. – Winter 2014
When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits. Go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
So you constantly feel sorry for yourself and feel the need to tell everyone all about it. I can’t imagine why he left you.
I hate Russian nesting dolls. They`re so full of themselves
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I`m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that`s what she wrote in her diary.
I hate when someone has a loud conversation on their cell phone and then gives me dirty looks for jotting down everything they say.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
I just want to be rich enough to tell my boss, "you`re not the boss of me"!
I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"