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Have you hugged you bartender today.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today...I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
I`m surprised more killers haven`t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I think the only way I`ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I`m in prison.
Valentine’s Day is in 4 days so if you are secretly in love with me I suggest you reveal it now.
I`d like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
I liked you better before we met.
You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
Yea, there is no "I" in team... but there sure is "ME".
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.
My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.