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Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
feels like getting some work done ... so I am sitting down until the feeling passes.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook statuses; it simply makes me not care what you think of them…
Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science
My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
I want my tombstone to say "It didn`t make me stronger."
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
"Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches" - I`m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys
There`s no WE in pizza.
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don`t even have to try to find out who lost it, because it`s the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!!