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Are nap dates a thing? Because that`s something I can work with...
Wine: How classy people get trashed.
Great idea for an April Fools Prank ... Hide all of the desktop icons on someone`s computer and replace their wallpaper with a screenshot of their old desktop.
Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Everything is so much funnier when you`re not allowed to laugh.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
If you`re having second thoughts, you`re 2 ahead of most people.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming.
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
I`m not funny, I`m just kidding u
So who wants to tell the person who just threw a new phone book on my porch about the internet?
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.