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You never know what you are missing,until you clean your room.
Let`s run away together.. Lol jk, I don`t run anywhere.
It`s so hard to find obedient minions
It`s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
I`m just chilling tonight with my new plane ... Oops, I`ve said too much.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
You’ll never be as young as you are now.
B!tch life isn`t a garden ... So stop being a hoe!
My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
The problem with some people is that they’re alive.
Why is it always the same person getting in your way from start to checkout at the grocery store?
No matter how nice I ask random people, nobody will take me to Funkytown.
The only people without problems are in the cemetery.