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Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.
I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
Couldn`t stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.
Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
Limbo champion walks into a bar...he`s disqualified.
"Oh wow, it`s a fruit cake! I`m going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.
I’m quite confident that the reason I’m single is because I didn’t forward that chain letter in 2003.
I`m drinking like there`s snow tomorrow.
Getting drunk and listening to loud music solves 87% of all life`s problems
You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
They don`t even serve apples at Applebee`s. Or bees.
People were shocked when they found I wasn`t a good electrician. :-)
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
I put the whiskey in another room ... Exercise regimen established.