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Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
My friends are the kind that would flirt with the fireman while my house was burning down.
You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.
I hate when I spend the extra money to buy organic vegetables only to get home and find out that I bought regular donuts.
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
I think salads help you lose weight because they`re gross and you end up not eating them
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
The Kids today just don`t appreciate the colors and flavors of Dial soap like I do
I want to grow old and disgusting with you.
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.
Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
I don’t think my inner child is ever moving out.