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Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button.
Alright, I admit it. Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
I`m not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Screw love... I`d rather fall in chocolate.
I`ve found the most effective way to get an attractive guy to fall for me is by simply using my charm... and then a stun gun.
This may be the wine talking but help he’s drinking me, he’s drinking me.
YOU WANNA PIECE OF THIS!?!?! ~me, aggressively handing out cake
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.