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I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
If you think you aren`t creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
No officer, my speech isn`t slurred. I`m just talking in cursive.
Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
is admitting to pushing Humpty Dumpty, he had it coming!!
The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I`m keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
I wonder who was the first person to see an egg come out of a chicken`s booty and think..."I`m gonna eat that!"
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
One man’s LOL is another man’s WTF.
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”
I got kicked out of a fancy dress party on the weekend, because I was wearing nothing but a red shirt. Not my fault nobody has heard of Winnie the Pooh!!