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Guy asked me where a public phone was. I told him 1987.
Why didn`t Spider-Man`s enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Don`t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
Key to a Happy Life: Get a job where people ask, “You actually get paid for doing this?”
Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps, or does he just feel like he is at work?
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.
Because it`s the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you`re welcome.
Remember when you thought you’d have it all together by the time you were the age you are now? LOL
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie