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I don`t try to annoy people; its just a gift.
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
I never thought Iād be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
It`s been scientifically proven that originally there were only five fruit cakes ever made!
I`m only 30 lbs away from my New Year`s resolution to lose 20 lbs!!
I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I`m not expecting them to be practical
Don`t you wish common sense would make a big comeback.
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service.
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.
I fight evil wherever it may be ... except in dark, scary places.