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I like the part of the day where we eat the food.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
Life is like toilet paper....either you`re on a roll....or you`re taking sh*t from some asshole
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
Sometimes I go on Google Earth and just spin the sh!t out of the world & pretend I`m making everyone really dizzy.
Long time ago I used to be young and handsome.. Today? Just handsome
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
To be clever can be difficult without caffiene.
Being unsure has never stopped me from making a decision.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run but, I was still sweating by the end.
Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.
is ready to have one too many!