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My train of thought likes to circle around the station a few times, take some wrong turns, and end up totally lost.
Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I`m never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.
Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I`m made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine.
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
My friends are the type of friends that if my house was on fire, they would be over here with marshmallows and hitting on the hot fireman!
I knew you were coming so I baked a cake ... It was delicious.
Nothing shall separate me from the love of beer...
If your phone doesn´t ring it´s me.
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
Admit it, at some point in time you’ve tried to see if you had superpowers.
Sometimes Google should just come back with an answer that says, `Trust me, you don`t want to know.`
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
I just realized that I haven`t done the "Hockey Pokey" in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it`s all about.