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I wish more people were fluent in silence.
I just got gas for $1.79... Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
You`re as useless as a referee in the WWE
I did 10 minutes of cardio this morning. I was still drunk from last night, and I was trying to tie my shoes but whatever.
I`m not fat, God gave me built in airbags because I`m so precious.
"Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...
I don`t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I`m not funny, I`m just kidding u
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I wish Facebook wasn`t the only place I could block people from my life.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.
To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.
In honor of this years` Super Bowl participants respective States of residence, they`ve changed kickoff to 4:20 Eastern Standard time.
I wish real life had as many ejection seats as cartoons.
Hi Iām an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.