Daily Silly Status

What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.

There`s a time and place for wine, In my hand and now.

Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.

I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"

Anyone that tells you money is the root of all evil is f*cking broke.

I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.

I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.

The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.

F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.

My boss doesn’t like it when I play slavery songs at work….

This morning someone threw Skittles at me and said "Taste the Rainbow", I ran them over with my car and sang,"Nationwide is on your side"

Letting my dad play Angry Birds on my iPad is like showing a caveman fire.

I may be evil, crazy, insane and f*cking naughty but I do have some good traits, I just don`t dwell on them.

Sometimes, when I "like" your post, it`s because my touchscreen is too sensitive and I only meant to scroll by your ass. Sometimes. ;)

Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you