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I was fighting with this gal over who is lazier. I let her win.
I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
How do some people manage to sit on it and talk out of it at the same time?
I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.
My roommate is going on a date tonight.. He said he`s convinced she IS coming home with him.. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters.. Now we wait..
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won`t send my dog to obedience school
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.
Ever wondered why there’s no window in the airplane’s toilet? Because, really, who’s going to see in?
Weekends will from now on begin on Wednesday because that is when it should truly begin!
believes saying "hi" with a big smile can brighten anyone´s day ... even those who give you the middle finger for cutting them off in traffic.
Me: I must be out of my mind. Me: You and me both.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.