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Girls love shoes… so if she throws one at you, you know she’s really pissed off.
Anyone that tells you money is the root of all evil is f*cking broke.
No PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on Facebook.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up.
If I can`t convince you, I will sure as hell confuse you.
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
When women say “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, we all know they are talking about a Man’s wallets.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I`m not expecting them to be practical
Whenever you`re feeling down and in the dumps, just remember...the rest of us have been feeling that way about you too!
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
I had a wet dream about you last night. Yeah, I was drowning you in a lake.
I found a penny today that reminded me of you. Totally worthless and always in a stranger`s pants.