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Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
I hardly know you…. but, Facebook says it’s your birthday, so happy birthday!
Finding friends with the same mental disorder as you ... Priceless
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
Do you women realize how silly you all look with your clothes on?
Some people wonder why I never like or comment on their posts. It’s because I unfollowed you a long time ago.
I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.
One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.
Is it just me, or did anyone else wake up on the SEXY side of the bed this morning?