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If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
The bears had it right choosing to hibernate all winter.
I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
My bed is half full - Lonely optimist.
If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
The wifes exhausted as she`s had some hot steamy action lately, But at least the ironing basket is empty