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Whatever I did to make you hate me, Iād like to know. I have other people I can use that on.
Some of the nicest women you`ll meet on Facebook are men.
I only drink alcohol because there aren`t enough ways to eat it.
My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.
If someone hates you for no apparent reason, give them one.
Today please just pretend I wrote something hilarious, click like, and move on down the news feed.
Dating someone based only on looks is so shallow. Consider other things, like, do they have a lot of money.
There`s this cool trick I do where I post whatever the f*ck I want becasue this is my account, not yours.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
Some Facebook friends are like ghost you dont see them but you know their there
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting in a bar.