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I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
I believe pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens
This day is only a margarita away from being a good one.
Yes Grandma, I`m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq
The secret to success is in my bra.
My car remote died. I had to insert my key into the lock like some kind of goddamn animal.
I`ve been hitting "remind me later" for about the last 4 years on Adobe.
Do people with cats not know about dogs?
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
Unless you tripped and smacked your face on the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.
Oh, so you are thinking about me? I am also thinking about myself.....
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
I only use the outdoors to get to another indoors.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...