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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
I don`t ever need to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Leaving a pizza in the oven while I make a quick run to Walgreens is about all the adrenaline rush I can handle.
I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.
All I see on Facebook is penis, orgasm, bang him, bang her, bullwhip, masturbate, porn, tits, and then I read everyone else`s posts..
I want to give up coffee, but I`d hate to do that to my coworkers.
People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.
Do you ever wonder how many people’s dreams you have been in?
Why is it called "reading a book" and not paper view?
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
I`m flattered that you took time out from your lack of a life to judge mine.
How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren´t even trying.
I need a fixed income. Mine is broken.
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it.. So now I have to live in constant fear.. O_o
roses are red.... my name is dave...this poem makes no sense.... microwave...