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I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
Boys are like roses, watch out for the pr!cks...
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
If you`re camping and you have WiFi, you`re not camping.
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
I don`t trust stairs. They always look like they`re up to something.
Guys I can`t be leave I`m sharing this with you, but I saw my self on TV. After I turned it off.
A panda never pays his bills, because he eats shoots and leaves!!!
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company`s Board of Directors.
I believe that every person has a story to tell...which is why I stay at home.
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”