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That awkward moment when you give the same Hallmark card two years in a row.
Let me get this straight…a woman could pour hot wax on her legs, ripping all the hair out…and still be afraid of a spider?
If running away from my problems counts as exercise then yes, I work out a lot.
Sometimes I order Domino`s but give them Pizza Hut`s address. And when they show up and start fighting, I just wait with my mouth open.
So I didn`t want to wake up this morning and go to work. It`s not that I don`t like my job, it`s just that I like being lazy more.
Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn`t a real sport.
I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.
I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.
Just once, I`d like to see an honest Facebook status, like "happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!"
You`re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
If someone doesn`t return your texts, relax and remember they`re probably just busy not liking you.
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
Leaving the house on a Monday morning would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door.
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
B!tch Please, your only fan is the one on your ceiling.