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I just got gas for $1.79... Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today...I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I wish we had staff meetings in the garden. The plants would`ve love the fertilizer.
My personal fast food philosophy: If nobody knows you went to McDonald`s, you didn`t really go to McDonalds.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
If listening to stupid people burned calories, I`d be a supermodel.
Waterfalls are a beautiful, majestic sight as they pour down upon the rocky crags below. Unless you`re in a canoe and about to plummet to your death. Then waterfalls sorta suck.
Has anybody seen my keys? they`re awesome.
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. They are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"
Fact: You wish Facebook had the middle finger button.
Tell a therapist, Not Facebook.
I like to listen to mexican radio but I dont know what they are singing or saying so I just pretend they are singing about how awesome I am.