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All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
If people are what they eat, some people must eat a lot of stupid.
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
I hate it when my fat makes me look fat.
Think about the nicest thing anyone`s ever said about you. Not really true, right?
I chose the wrong fork in the road, took the road less travelled and got off the beaten path and now I don`t know where the hell I am.
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
There`s a reason why natural disasters have female names.
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed", many women still sleep with their husbands.
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
My religious preference, is for you to steer clear of me with yours.
U still drunk from last night or did u get a new buzz going this morning.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..